Understanding Grief Will Help You to Work Your Way Through Loss

As the saying goes, there are only a couple of things in this world that are certain. One of those things is death. And with loss, there comes grief, which dictionaries say is “intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death”. 

So, how do we grieve? Is there a good way to grieve? In fact, is there a set way to grieve? RTSC’s Annette Clay looks at why the recognised five stages of grief may not be your personal experience. 

 

You may have heard about the five stages of grief. It was Dr Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who first identified the five stages of grief while working with terminally ill patients in the 1960s. 

This grief model was introduced in her book Death and Dying in 1969. Over the years, this model has been debated and criticised mainly because people studying her model believed that this is the specific order in which people grieve and go through all stages. This article gives insight into why that may not happen. 

 

Understanding that grief is when you have lost something and causes you pain, and can be from the death of a family member, pet or friend, a relationship ending, losing a job or career, your home, neighbourhood or community, financial stability, a dream goal or good health. 

It's important to remember that the five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - are not steps that everyone follows. 

You may experience only some of these stages, or you may experience them in a different order than listed. 

 

There's no set timeline for grief, and it's a process that's unique to each of us. Remember, it's a rollercoaster, not a straight line. 

Acceptance doesn't come to us; we have to work through our pain to find it; when we do, it doesn't mean the sadness of loss is not there; you can start moving on with life again. It's okay to feel weak, to cry, and to show vulnerability. 

Let go of the guilt and regret; it's all part of the journey. 

Emotions associated with grief 

The emotional impact of grief can be sadness, anger, joy, relief, guilt, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, shock, numbness, and denial. Conflicting emotions may happen, such as sadness that a loved one has gone but relief that they are at peace. 

The first year brings anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, and family and life celebrations, which can trigger any stage or emotion. 

 

When looking at the different aspects of grief, it gives us more of an understanding of grief and where it impacts our journeys. 

 

Anticipatory Grief This involves grieving before the actual loss. I was in denial in 2016 when I was informed my mother was terminally ill, and now I understand that the grief cycle began way before we lost her Christmas 2016. 

Abbreviated Grief Sometimes, you can move through the grieving process quickly. Abbreviated grief may follow anticipatory grief. I took time away from my career in early 2021 to support my father in end-of-life care, which triggered anticipatory grief and then abbreviated grief. 

Delayed Grief Instead of experiencing the emotions that accompany grief immediately after a loss, you can feel them days, weeks, or even months later. The shock of loss or practical facts like arranging funerals, etc., can pause our body's ability to work through emotions. 

Inhibited Grief This is when emotions are repressed. People who do this don't always know that they are. These can then show up in physical symptoms such as upset stomach, insomnia, anxiety or panic attacks. 

Cumulative Grief This is where you work through multiple losses at once. While grieving the loss of my mother, I found myself dealing with the loss of a career, too. 

Collective Grief We often think of grief as personal to one person. Collective grief occurs when groups of people grieve shared experiences such as major disasters, war, and losses. 

 

Grief can also show up in physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, nausea, restlessness, having a reduced or increased appetite and trouble with sleeping or sleeping too much. 

Grief is a part of your story 

Behavioural changes can include lack of concentration, difficulty making decisions, focusing on anything other than your loss, and a feeling of loss of sense of direction. 

 

 

Over time, you will find joy and happiness, and your life will return to a new normal. 

Remember to work through your pain in your way, do things that make you happy, understand your mind and body, talk about your loss, and reach out to family, friends, or professionals. 

 

You do not have to do this journey alone. 

Annette